TalkingApes

NFL Nickname playoffs: AFC East

So what is in a nickname? It is something teams focus everything around, from team colors to marketing campaigns; it is the team’s identity. Believe it or not, team nicknames and logos can energize a community or take the life out of a fan base. Remember Bruce the Buccaneer? Now think back to when the Buccaneers changed their logo and color scheme a complete 180 degrees. That is the kind of impact a logo and nickname can have psychologically and monetarily. The Bucs have sold much more merchandise and changed the whole direction of a team just by changing logos and color schemes.

Some teams will never learn, and thus should be punished. Teams like the Green Bay Packers and Miami Dolphins will reap what you they have sewn (although the Packers have one of, if not THE most loyal fan bases in the NFL, their logo and nickname still stink)!

I’m conducting an NFL Nickname Playoff, where a team’s nickname is how they would perform in a fight. First, we’ll figure out who will win a division, then we’ll figure out who wins the conference, then, the AFC winner and NFC winner will square off in the NFL Nickname Championship, and will be awarded the Toughest Nickname in the NFL. Then we’ll proceed to the NBA, MLB and Hockey and eventually crown a Toughest Pro Sports Nickname Champion.

First up, the AFC East

New England Patriots vs. New York Jets

Patriots: Anyone who fights for their country or cause. In this case, we’re talking about patriots from the American Revolutionary War. Their weapons, which eventually defeated the British, were cannons, muskets and bayonets.

Jets: Any airplane that has a jet engine. In the case of the marketing aspect of the NY Jets, they’ve often been associated with commercial airline jets and not fighter jets.

Matchup
In firefights, soldiers will often call in airstrikes to destroy their opponents when ground combat is initiated. These jets, however, are simply jumbo jets that carry cargo and passengers. Horrifyingly, we were reminded of what kind of damage they can inflict when used as a weapon during 9/11. Since a kamakazi effort would lead to the jet’s demise, it really has no other method of attack. Revolutionary War patriots have cannons, guns and bayonetes that they can attack with, but could not fly. Since jets can’t attack anyone and live, patriots win by default. It is possible for patriots to attack a jet with a cannon, so the edge goes to the New England Patriots.

Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills

Dolphins: An aquatic mammal that divers befriend and swim with at Sea World. It’s hard to imagine dolphins fighting, but they’ve been known to drag people under water as well as rescue people in the movies. Dolphins really don’t have a fighting style other than bumping. They can breathe out of water but have no legs.

Bills: Bills, in this case, refer to Buffaloes. The buffaloes of North America were all but wiped out by human predation. They were sources of clothing and food. They are dangerous in herds, as they can trample anything in their paths.

Matchup
On the surface, this seems like an easy matchup, but you have to establish some ground rules. Is this fight on the land or in water? I think the determining factor is that football is played on land, and on land, a dolphin is defenseless and would die without the moisture of the water. A buffalo can swim, but would get tired if forced to swim for a long period of time and would likely drown. If a buffalo is in water fighting a dolphin, the dolphin really doesn’t have any mode of attack. If a dolphin is on land, a buffalo easily tramples or gores him with his horn. Since the matchup is over land, the Buffalo Bills win this matchup.

AFC East Championship: New England Patriots vs. Buffalo Bills

Matchup
This is an easy one, as it’s already played out historically. Patriots, with their weapons and human intellect, defeated the North American Buffaloes. Granted, a single buffalo could defeat a single human, however, Patriots are defined (by me) as multiple humans with weapons taking on the same number of buffaloes. The New England Patriots win.

Next week: AFC North

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Golf, NASCAR are not sports.

Despite what you hear on TV, Golf and NASCAR are not sports.

Sure, they take skill, they compete against one another, but they aren’t sports.

So what is a sport?

My definition of a sport is an athletic contest in which one team (even consisting of 1 player) tries to score, and at the same time another team is trying to defend the act of scoring. Without the aspect of defense, the activity is either a game or an athletic competition. The Olympics, by in large, are athletic competitions.

Golf, Bowling, NASCAR Racing and Billiards all lack the aspect of defenders preventing scoring. Golf, bowling and billiards are games of skill. NASCAR racing is a game of skill with athletic and technological aspects playing a vital role.

Horse racing is more of an athletic competition of the horses.

Without the aspect of “playing defense”, an athletic competition can not be a sport.

THAT, my friends, is the difference.

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Tecmo Bowl is Back! HutHutHike!

I’ve never been one to hide my nerdliness or my affinity for football. When the two meet, I tend to lose it, and today I find out about the rebirth of Tecmo Bowl… simply the greatest football series of all time. Madden’s got nothing on the simple charm of “HutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHike!” Real men need no more than 8 plays and if they’re feeling really manly… Four. No football game has ever, for me, replicated the simple fun of going 99 yards with Bo Jackson, or blocking every kick with Lawrence Taylor. So color me geeked to find out that they’re relaunching the franchise on the DS.

Here’s to hoping for a return to the simplicity that was its hallmark.

From the press release:

TECMO BOWL: KICKOFF brings a host of new features that will further enhance the gameplay experience, including:
• Customizable Teams: Choose team colors, emblems, player names, team cities and abilities.
• Super Abilities: Tactically use over-the-top plays to take over a game.
• Wi-Fi and Wireless Multiplayer: Play against friends across the country or across the room.
• Stylus Control: Feel the action by using the stylus to control your player.
• Variety of Teams: Choose from 32 different teams.
• Cut-Scenes: All-new cut-scenes showing off the dramatic presentation of various plays.
• Customizable Playbook: Prepare for gridiron greatness by customizing your playbook.
• Music and Sound Effects: Turn up the heat on your opponent as you play the game to rock ‘n’ roll remixes of the most memorable tunes in football gaming history!

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Twittering and Powncing the NFL Draft

I’ll be twittering and powncing the NFL draft this weekend.

Check out PantherInsider.com for expanded coverage of every Carolina Panthers draft pick.

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Yahoo fantasy football opens next week.

That’s right fantasy football geeks like me, registration for Yahoo!’s free fantasy football starts NEXT WEEK as the screen shot indicates. Drafting now isn’t advised for competitive leagues, but the fact that it’s opening next week is a milestone that says “football season is near”. That’s right, friends, the hall of fame game is right around the corner (Sunday, August 5th).

I’m always open to joining a league — if you need another serious fantasy football player, send me an invite to brad.thomas@yahoo.com.

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The Best 2007 NFL Draft Video site: SI.com

The site I was waiting for finally arrived: SI.com’s Film Room.

SI.com has video of the top draft prospects broken down into different sections; let’s take Patrick Willis for example, the player they have going to the panthers in their latest mock draft.

Defensive plays | Sacks | By the Numbers | Wrap-up

A site like this is heaven for an NFL Draft nut like myself. It’s easy to use, fast and efficient.

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The Top-10 Worst Pro Sports Team Nicknames

We’re limiting this list to AMERICAN pro sports teams. Since we really don’t care about foreign $#!+ here, in general, we will as always ignore them. There will be no Real or Fake Madrid in this list. Arrogant…. yes. Also, we do not consider the WNBA as a pro sport in this contest, because then this list would be nothing but WNBA teams.

10. Anything “Sox”. a) you are a team named after F-ing socks. b) you don’t even spell “socks” correctly. I say man-up and get real nicknames. F tradition.

9. Arizona Cardinals. I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware of the huge, dangerous cardinal population…um, anywhere. Quick… name the last time you heard anyone (or anything) was killed or even hurt by a cardinal… especially in Arizona.

8. Washington Wizards. Wizards aren’t really that scary. They are weird. At least the comic book nerds that pretend to be wizards are. Do they give out power crystals instead of foam fingers at the games? Bullets was a better nickname.

7. Minnesota Twins. Yes, we understand why the team is named the Twins, and that doesn’t change our opinion. Yes, it’s fairly unique that there are two semi-large cities right beside one another, and yes, it’s very un-creative to name the sports team, the “Twins”. Twins pertains to two people. Last time I checked, there were more than two people on a baseball team.

6. Philadelphia Phillies. A little run here on baseball names. Phillies, the nickname, has nothing to do with horses, although that would make more sense than what Phillies really stands for, which is “people of Philadelphia”. Wow. I guess the area was devoid of any creative people in 1890 and every fricken year since.

5. New York Mets. Metropolitans. We get this too. It just sucks. Like anyone would forget where the hell New York is.

4. New Jersey Nets. Yeah, it’s named after a piece of equipment, and it rhymes with other teams in the area (Mets, Jets… and the defunct pro tennis team, the Sets). Why not the Swamp Dragons?

3. Los Angeles Clippers. A swift sailing boat. Why not name it after a flower?

2. LA Lakers. Minnesota has lakes. LA, not so much.

1. Utah Jazz. Do they even have a Jazz station in the state of Utah? Jazz, which isn’t the kind of nickname that you’d keep when relocating a team, only makes sense in New Orleans. It should have been changed long, long ago.

There you have it, the worst names in pro sports. Agree, disagree? Want to re-arrange or add another to the list? Post a comment.

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Explaining the NFL Salary Cap

Howstuffworks “How does the NFL’s salary cap work?”

Ever wonder how the salary cap in the NFL Works? Me too. This article explains a great deal of what perplexes us about the cap. For example:

The advantage of signing bonuses for the owner is that he now has more money to spend under the cap. This is how the Washington Redskins ran up a total payroll of $92.41-million in the 2000 season when the cap was $67-million. The advantage for the player is that all signing-bonus money is guaranteed to be paid, whereas an NFL contract is not guaranteed.

… if the player is released, traded or waived, all of the bonus money that was being prorated throughout the length of the contract is accelerated to the present year.

I found another article that answered even more questions: http://www.askthecommish.com/salarycap/faq.asp

Do unsigned free agents have any impact on the Salary Cap?

Answer: For Restricted Free Agents (RFA), a Qualifying Offer is included in the team salary. This amount remains in team salary until the player is signed, the Qualifying Offer is withdrawn, or a “June 1st tender” is made. If the player is unsigned and the Team makes a June 1 or June 15 offer, this offer will be included in team salary until the player is signed, the team gives up their rights to the player, or until the Tuesday after the tenth week of the regular season if the player is unsigned.

A little explanation on how signing bonuses count against the cap:

…if a player signs a four-year deal with a $1 million signing bonus, $250,000 of that bonus will count toward team salary for each contract year ($1 million divided evenly over the four-year contract is $250,000 per year). If a team releases a player, the unamoratized bonus money (the remaining prorated bonus money) counts immediately against the cap.

But what if a player retires? How does that affect the cap?

In most cases, if a player retires, the remaining signing bonus that has not been included in salary “accelerates” and is included in that year’s team salary. Thus, the team will take an immediate salary cap hit of the remaining signing bonus.

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Where do you go for your sports information?

One of the things I think is interesting is the number of people that think they are the definitive expert, or that they know as much as the experts do. For example, let’s take any professional sports team; there are whole sects of fans for each team who actually believe they are smarter than the people running the team, and want you to know that. Sure, some of the time there probably is a few of them that are actually smarter than the average bear, but for the most part, fans can’t know the whole picture because they don’t sit in on practices, film study, meetings and have interaction with the players and coaches. Beat writers are our only hope, and even then you get a lot of opinion.

Draft sites are some of my favorites, because they are largely regurgitated drivel based on a few observations made on a practice or two. Unless that writer covered every second of that player’s collegiate career, I’m not buying their opinion. I find High School recruiting and scouting even more laughable because of such disparity in talent levels across the country. Sure, there are guys like Greg Oden, who looks like a 40 year old man and is actually a freshman at Ohio State, who have been SO dominant that they hype is warranted, but take Adam Morrison for example; The guy played at Gonzaga — not exactly playing the UNC’s and Duke’s every night — and was THE man for that team. He’s been OK since his arrival in the NBA, but not worthy of the third overall pick. I’m a huge Bobcats fan, but let’s be honest; There was a lot of hype surrounding Morrison that was sold and bought; moreso than possibly any other player not named Andrea Bargnani.

There are SO many sites out there with so much information. Which is right? There are probably conflicting opinions stating facts on nearly any subject you could think of. Much of it is really just passed-along information. There are a lot of information-passers in the sports information business. Sites like ESPN and CBS Sportsline have guys that watch a few highlight reels and then report things as if they are fact. They don’t dig deep enough to give you a true indication of what is going on. That is why the local writers are the best bet; at least they have better access than the average fan, and they know the team better than the national “experts”.

In my 3 years with Scout.com, I have to say that I have been given news that I didn’t know about less than 5 times total about my team. That is because the national folks don’t know what is going on with my team better than I do.

Keep that in mind before you buy some subscription to a site that has national experts. Go with a site that has local experts, instead, and you’ll get more for your money.

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