TalkingApes

Tenacious D – Tribute (long version)

You know you want this.

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NFL Nickname playoffs: AFC East

So what is in a nickname? It is something teams focus everything around, from team colors to marketing campaigns; it is the team’s identity. Believe it or not, team nicknames and logos can energize a community or take the life out of a fan base. Remember Bruce the Buccaneer? Now think back to when the Buccaneers changed their logo and color scheme a complete 180 degrees. That is the kind of impact a logo and nickname can have psychologically and monetarily. The Bucs have sold much more merchandise and changed the whole direction of a team just by changing logos and color schemes.

Some teams will never learn, and thus should be punished. Teams like the Green Bay Packers and Miami Dolphins will reap what you they have sewn (although the Packers have one of, if not THE most loyal fan bases in the NFL, their logo and nickname still stink)!

I’m conducting an NFL Nickname Playoff, where a team’s nickname is how they would perform in a fight. First, we’ll figure out who will win a division, then we’ll figure out who wins the conference, then, the AFC winner and NFC winner will square off in the NFL Nickname Championship, and will be awarded the Toughest Nickname in the NFL. Then we’ll proceed to the NBA, MLB and Hockey and eventually crown a Toughest Pro Sports Nickname Champion.

First up, the AFC East

New England Patriots vs. New York Jets

Patriots: Anyone who fights for their country or cause. In this case, we’re talking about patriots from the American Revolutionary War. Their weapons, which eventually defeated the British, were cannons, muskets and bayonets.

Jets: Any airplane that has a jet engine. In the case of the marketing aspect of the NY Jets, they’ve often been associated with commercial airline jets and not fighter jets.

Matchup
In firefights, soldiers will often call in airstrikes to destroy their opponents when ground combat is initiated. These jets, however, are simply jumbo jets that carry cargo and passengers. Horrifyingly, we were reminded of what kind of damage they can inflict when used as a weapon during 9/11. Since a kamakazi effort would lead to the jet’s demise, it really has no other method of attack. Revolutionary War patriots have cannons, guns and bayonetes that they can attack with, but could not fly. Since jets can’t attack anyone and live, patriots win by default. It is possible for patriots to attack a jet with a cannon, so the edge goes to the New England Patriots.

Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills

Dolphins: An aquatic mammal that divers befriend and swim with at Sea World. It’s hard to imagine dolphins fighting, but they’ve been known to drag people under water as well as rescue people in the movies. Dolphins really don’t have a fighting style other than bumping. They can breathe out of water but have no legs.

Bills: Bills, in this case, refer to Buffaloes. The buffaloes of North America were all but wiped out by human predation. They were sources of clothing and food. They are dangerous in herds, as they can trample anything in their paths.

Matchup
On the surface, this seems like an easy matchup, but you have to establish some ground rules. Is this fight on the land or in water? I think the determining factor is that football is played on land, and on land, a dolphin is defenseless and would die without the moisture of the water. A buffalo can swim, but would get tired if forced to swim for a long period of time and would likely drown. If a buffalo is in water fighting a dolphin, the dolphin really doesn’t have any mode of attack. If a dolphin is on land, a buffalo easily tramples or gores him with his horn. Since the matchup is over land, the Buffalo Bills win this matchup.

AFC East Championship: New England Patriots vs. Buffalo Bills

Matchup
This is an easy one, as it’s already played out historically. Patriots, with their weapons and human intellect, defeated the North American Buffaloes. Granted, a single buffalo could defeat a single human, however, Patriots are defined (by me) as multiple humans with weapons taking on the same number of buffaloes. The New England Patriots win.

Next week: AFC North

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UFC 2009 Video Game Trailer

I’m pretty dorked up for this game. As a longtime UFC fan and video game nerd, this looks remarkably promising. It’s going to all come down to controls, though.. there’s so many fighting styles and reversals, that the system would almost NEED to be complex. I’m excited to see how this turns out.

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Golf, NASCAR are not sports.

Despite what you hear on TV, Golf and NASCAR are not sports.

Sure, they take skill, they compete against one another, but they aren’t sports.

So what is a sport?

My definition of a sport is an athletic contest in which one team (even consisting of 1 player) tries to score, and at the same time another team is trying to defend the act of scoring. Without the aspect of defense, the activity is either a game or an athletic competition. The Olympics, by in large, are athletic competitions.

Golf, Bowling, NASCAR Racing and Billiards all lack the aspect of defenders preventing scoring. Golf, bowling and billiards are games of skill. NASCAR racing is a game of skill with athletic and technological aspects playing a vital role.

Horse racing is more of an athletic competition of the horses.

Without the aspect of “playing defense”, an athletic competition can not be a sport.

THAT, my friends, is the difference.

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Newsflash: ‘Heroes’ steals another comic book idea; We still refuse to care.

The authors here at TA are both unabashed fans of the show ‘Heroes.’ It’s a great show. If I had one complaint, its that every hero is almost directly lifted from an existing archetype from the existing comic universe. I’m only tangentially familiar with comic books any more, but I see most of the connections. Today on CNN.com, they announce the addition of the new Flash character, so the trend continues… I thought I’d pass this along:

Meet Daphne, the speedy new character on NBC’s “Heroes,” who plans to give the show’s superhumans — especially time traveler Hiro and his sidekick, Ando — a run for their money when she debuts on the popular NBC series’ upcoming third season, which went back into production last week. – CNN.com

I still refuse to care. I’ll be there as always.

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Tecmo Bowl is Back! HutHutHike!

I’ve never been one to hide my nerdliness or my affinity for football. When the two meet, I tend to lose it, and today I find out about the rebirth of Tecmo Bowl… simply the greatest football series of all time. Madden’s got nothing on the simple charm of “HutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHutHike!” Real men need no more than 8 plays and if they’re feeling really manly… Four. No football game has ever, for me, replicated the simple fun of going 99 yards with Bo Jackson, or blocking every kick with Lawrence Taylor. So color me geeked to find out that they’re relaunching the franchise on the DS.

Here’s to hoping for a return to the simplicity that was its hallmark.

From the press release:

TECMO BOWL: KICKOFF brings a host of new features that will further enhance the gameplay experience, including:
• Customizable Teams: Choose team colors, emblems, player names, team cities and abilities.
• Super Abilities: Tactically use over-the-top plays to take over a game.
• Wi-Fi and Wireless Multiplayer: Play against friends across the country or across the room.
• Stylus Control: Feel the action by using the stylus to control your player.
• Variety of Teams: Choose from 32 different teams.
• Cut-Scenes: All-new cut-scenes showing off the dramatic presentation of various plays.
• Customizable Playbook: Prepare for gridiron greatness by customizing your playbook.
• Music and Sound Effects: Turn up the heat on your opponent as you play the game to rock ‘n’ roll remixes of the most memorable tunes in football gaming history!

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New Star Wars Flick?

Okay people. You’ve all really let me down. How is there a new star wars movie opening in three months, and I was totally oblivious. The interwebs has failed me. I just caught the trailer for this on television, and I’m totally geeked. Anyone with more details, please hit up the comments.

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Free, browser-based Guitar Hero III. KA-chow!

Behold. Rock and thank me later.

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Twittering and Powncing the NFL Draft

I’ll be twittering and powncing the NFL draft this weekend.

Check out PantherInsider.com for expanded coverage of every Carolina Panthers draft pick.

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