TalkingApes

So what is in a nickname? It is something teams focus everything around, from team colors to marketing campaigns; it is the team’s identity. Believe it or not, team nicknames and logos can energize a community or take the life out of a fan base. Remember Bruce the Buccaneer? Now think back to when the Buccaneers changed their logo and color scheme a complete 180 degrees. That is the kind of impact a logo and nickname can have psychologically and monetarily. The Bucs have sold much more merchandise and changed the whole direction of a team just by changing logos and color schemes.

Some teams will never learn, and thus should be punished. Teams like the Green Bay Packers and Miami Dolphins will reap what you they have sewn (although the Packers have one of, if not THE most loyal fan bases in the NFL, their logo and nickname still stink)!

I’m conducting an NFL Nickname Playoff, where a team’s nickname is how they would perform in a fight. First, we’ll figure out who will win a division, then we’ll figure out who wins the conference, then, the AFC winner and NFC winner will square off in the NFL Nickname Championship, and will be awarded the Toughest Nickname in the NFL. Then we’ll proceed to the NBA, MLB and Hockey and eventually crown a Toughest Pro Sports Nickname Champion.

First up, the AFC East

New England Patriots vs. New York Jets

Patriots: Anyone who fights for their country or cause. In this case, we’re talking about patriots from the American Revolutionary War. Their weapons, which eventually defeated the British, were cannons, muskets and bayonets.

Jets: Any airplane that has a jet engine. In the case of the marketing aspect of the NY Jets, they’ve often been associated with commercial airline jets and not fighter jets.

Matchup
In firefights, soldiers will often call in airstrikes to destroy their opponents when ground combat is initiated. These jets, however, are simply jumbo jets that carry cargo and passengers. Horrifyingly, we were reminded of what kind of damage they can inflict when used as a weapon during 9/11. Since a kamakazi effort would lead to the jet’s demise, it really has no other method of attack. Revolutionary War patriots have cannons, guns and bayonetes that they can attack with, but could not fly. Since jets can’t attack anyone and live, patriots win by default. It is possible for patriots to attack a jet with a cannon, so the edge goes to the New England Patriots.

Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills

Dolphins: An aquatic mammal that divers befriend and swim with at Sea World. It’s hard to imagine dolphins fighting, but they’ve been known to drag people under water as well as rescue people in the movies. Dolphins really don’t have a fighting style other than bumping. They can breathe out of water but have no legs.

Bills: Bills, in this case, refer to Buffaloes. The buffaloes of North America were all but wiped out by human predation. They were sources of clothing and food. They are dangerous in herds, as they can trample anything in their paths.

Matchup
On the surface, this seems like an easy matchup, but you have to establish some ground rules. Is this fight on the land or in water? I think the determining factor is that football is played on land, and on land, a dolphin is defenseless and would die without the moisture of the water. A buffalo can swim, but would get tired if forced to swim for a long period of time and would likely drown. If a buffalo is in water fighting a dolphin, the dolphin really doesn’t have any mode of attack. If a dolphin is on land, a buffalo easily tramples or gores him with his horn. Since the matchup is over land, the Buffalo Bills win this matchup.

AFC East Championship: New England Patriots vs. Buffalo Bills

Matchup
This is an easy one, as it’s already played out historically. Patriots, with their weapons and human intellect, defeated the North American Buffaloes. Granted, a single buffalo could defeat a single human, however, Patriots are defined (by me) as multiple humans with weapons taking on the same number of buffaloes. The New England Patriots win.

Next week: AFC North